Why Revenge Dressing is No Revenge at All

I can picture it now. You have an important event coming up. And you know that you’ll see people you haven’t seen in a while. More specifically, you might run into him. Or her. Or them. You know who they are. You have a history with this person and it’s been a while since you’ve seen them. If it weren’t for this event looming, Lord only knows when you’d cross paths with them again. But the date is on the calendar and it’s inevitable. Like a signature cocktail, you’re one part excited, one part nervous, and one part (okay maybe the biggest part) “I’ll show them”! Now, you’ve just got to figure out what you’re going to wear so you can get revenge on them as you show up looking better than ever!

Okay, so now what? Cue heading into your closet because deciding what to wear is absolutely clutch in this scenario. Anyone who says that what we wear doesn’t matter, clearly hasn’t been in a situation like this yet! Like New York City to Carrie Bradshaw, the outfit you select for this event will be like its own separate character in the show. YOUR show. The revenge outfit must be perfect. And when you walk in wearing this little number, their reaction will be priceless! They’ll regret what they did or what they said and they’ll will wish that they treated you differently. “Too late though” is what you’ll be thinking as you take another sip of your drink at the bar and tilt your head back in laughter. Did someone just take a photo of you? That would have been a great pic to post- after all, you look so good!

Friend?! Can I stop you there? There’s an energy happening here, and as your trusted stylist, I really need to call it out. It’s not fashionable and it’s not your color, vibe, or silhouette. That outfit you chose doesn’t really serve you well at all. However, I see what department you were in when you picked it up. The revenge department. Right next to lingerie and hosiery and down the aisle from sweaters and knitwear. But I need to do you a favor here. Let’s find you something that’s more suited to the woman you are today.

I see people do this all the time. Maybe it’s a high school reunion or perhaps it’s a friend’s wedding. There are times when women make decisions on what they will wear when they know they’ll see someone that they want to impress or leave an impact on. In your defense, we’ve all done it and I can tell you, it never works.

You see, revenge dressing is not revenge at all. When we choose what we are going to wear based on what we want someone else to think, feel, do, or say, we are putting the power of our own inner peace and self-confidence into the hands of someone else. Picture me, on the edge of your bed, as you are deep in your closet frantically pulling out all of the potential outfits you’re considering wearing. “What will he think when I walk in wearing this?” or “This will show them what they’re missing.” Pause. Breath. Okay now, sister.

You can’t control what other people think. You only have control over your own thoughts and feelings. Of all the things that you could spend time on as you prepare for an event, why would you give the power of your own confidence and self-expression to someone who doesn’t have a seat at your table? Showing up with that energy is handing it over to someone else. How about deciding on an outfit because it makes YOU feel like the beautiful, smart, and talented woman you are? Now that’s an energy worth trying on and wearing. And guess what? It ALWAYS fits.

In actuality, when you choose an outfit based on what you think someone else will think, you are not dressing for yourself. You are dressing for them. How does that feel when you say to yourself, “I wonder what they’ll think when they see me show up in this?” or “I can’t wait to see their reaction.” Honestly, probably not great. You can, however, wear something that makes you say to yourself, “I can’t wait to show up in this. I feel amazing." or “I think this is the perfect outfit to celebrate the event. This is so ME!” Probably feeling better already, right?

I like to tell the women that I work with to “control your controllables.” You don’t know if it will rain on the day of your highly anticipated event. You don’t even know if “they” will be there even though they may have RSVP’d yes. However, if you focus on your own “controllables”, like how you decide to show up and how you feel about yourself, the entire day takes on a different energy.

Now, I understand that you still what to show up feeling amazing. Obviously. Hey, remember Princess Diana in the “revenge dress” she wore to her first public appearance after separating from Prince Charles? If you don’t know the "little black number" I am talking about, look it up and take a moment to appreciate what the power of dressing well can do for a woman. However, I can garner that even if revenge was Princess Diana's goal when she showed up to the event (and I personally don’t think it was), something tells me that she pulled it off because she was confidently stepping into a new version of herself while wearing every woman’s best accessory, a smile. If she didn’t have that energy when she stepped out of the car, the delivery of that dress wouldn’t have been so impactful.

So, back to your closet. And me at the edge of your bed. Get in there and pull out something that makes YOU feel amazing, and beautiful, and confident. Stop thinking about them. Remember, no amount of money or designer garments can take the place of wearing something for yourself.  I’ll meet you at the bar for a toast to YOU and that stunning outfit you chose. It’s so you. Cheers.